Specialised treatments for linens of compromised moral fibre
A rigorous process of stiffening the towel so much it physically forgets its own past — and how to bend. Three sessions guaranteed to erase memories of badgers, Belgians, and other incidents.
DURATION: 3 sessions · RESULTS: Permanent rigidity
Towels are hung in total darkness to prevent them from gossiping about what they saw in the Master Suite. No contact with other linens permitted. Whispering carries a two-week extension.
DURATION: Variable · RESULTS: Confidential
Aimed at removing the emotional baggage — and cat hair — of previous owners. A theatrical process conducted by trained Fluff-Buffers. Participants often report feeling "lighter, if somewhat bare."
DURATION: 40 min · RESULTS: 98% de-fluffed
A tiny, windowless cupboard where towels can practice being "moist" without the social pressure of actually drying anyone. Rated 4.2 stars on DampAdvisor. One reviewer called it "exactly as bad as you'd expect."
DURATION: Until further notice · RESULTS: Variable