"Too soft for this cruel world"
Delivered over a communal bucket. A recorder played something mournful, then stopped, then started again at the wrong tempo.
Friends, Linens, Countrymen… lend me your selvage.
We are gathered here to mourn Arthur, a 100% Egyptian Cotton Bath Sheet who was, quite frankly, too soft for this cruel world. Last Tuesday, in a tragic case of mistaken identity involving a leaky radiator and a panicked plumber, Arthur was used as… (hushed gasps) …a rag.
He was dragged across a greasy floor, shoved into a toolbox, and eventually abandoned behind a u-bend. He did not die in a luxury hotel. He did not go out in a blaze of fabric softener. He died with a rusty nut embedded in his third hem.
May his threads rest in peace. May he be reincarnated as a Posh Napkin in a high-end bistro in Knightsbridge.
Dust to dust. Lint to lint.
Let us now sing the Anthem of the Squeaky Floorboard.
IN MEMORIAM
Arthur
100% EGYPTIAN COTTON · PATIENT #909
"He absorbed more than most could bear."