§ Department VII

Certificate of Stiff Reintegration

For linens officially cleared to re-enter British Society

✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ THE ROYAL ST. LOOFAH SANATORIUM · EAST CHEAM This is to Certify that Name of Linen has successfully completed Rehabilitative Lint-Rolling and is no longer prone to spontaneous unravelling when encountering a Belgian. Having achieved a Thread Count of Zero-Gossip, this linen is hereby declared: Officially Stiff Enough for British Society MINISTRY OF DAMP ✦ EAST CHEAM ✦ Sir Archibald Damp-Sponge, KBE, DSO and a small damp patch near the radiator Date of Stiffening
Instructions for Use:
This certificate should be framed and displayed prominently. In the event of a relapse — defined as any incident involving a Belgian, a badger, or unsolicited dampness — the certificate is to be surrendered immediately to the Chief Fluff-Buffer and the patient returned to the Damp-Room for reassessment.